Interview with an Apostle

First, A Parley with an Apostate

Last week, I was in Utah and had an extended chat with an apostate. Terrible word. He’s also been excommunicated. Another terrible word. In a couple of weeks I’ll provide a link to our conversation. For the time being, he’ll remain anonymous.

Until the past 2 years, I really didn’t know any apostates or excommunicants. I find them to be wonderful people. Intelligent & thoughtful, open & understanding. Plus, they’re kind and loving. Who would a thunk it?

While in Utah, by happenstance, I ran into an apostle. He’ll also remain anonymous. A reliable record of our conversation is recounted below

The Apostolic Interview

Apostle: It’s very nice to meet you.

Sam: I’m honored and a little nervous to meet you, sir.

Apostle: Before we start, I’d like to ask you a question. Sam, how do you think I look?

Sam: You look great….except….for….. . . . Well, there’s a booger hanging from your nose.

Apostle: (Pointing to his nose) Do you mean this big, fat, green booger?

Sam: Um…y..y..y..yes?

Apostle: Don’t worry about it. It was sent from God.

Sam: What does that mean?

Apostle: It’s a booger filled with love.

Sam: This isn’t making any sense.

Apostle: This beautiful juicy booger is filled with love for gay people and all of their children.

Sam: Well, it kind of upsets my stomach when I look at it.

Apostle: I’m sorry about that. Everybody else has told me that my booger of love is really handsome.

Sam: You’re joking, right? Who, in the world, would tell you that they like your booger?

Apostle: I visited your stake conference last April. One thousand and one members were at the meeting. I asked the congregation to tell me how I looked. One thousand people raised their hands in approval of my appearance. Only one person didn’t like my booger.

Sam: That was me!

Apostle: Here’s what I want you to do, my dear friend, Sam. Go read the scriptures and then pray….about my big, fat, green booger. Before long, you will know that it is delicious to the taste and very desirable.

Sam: I’m not going to pray about your booger. I already know that it’s disgusting.

Apostle: Now, now, Sam. When you get home I want you to go talk with your stake president.

Sam: Ok.

**Note: This morning I asked my adult daughter, “Suppose you were meeting with one of your clients, someone in upper management. If they had a booger would you tell them?” She replied, “Nope. I’d only tell someone really close, like my sisters or a best friend.”

Moral of the story: when our friends have a booger, we point it out. If we don’t, what kind of friend are we? The booger is the policy of excommunicating gay couples and excluding their children. It was announced in November 2015.

Divorce or Disobey?

Hint: Adam and the Mormon Temple say……..DISOBEY.

A Tender Text

Today, my youngest daughter sent me this message:

Dear dad,

Thank you so much for putting mom and our family before yourself. Today I met a Mormon couple that is getting divorced because the man has left the church. I talked with them for a while and it was apparent that he just wasn’t willing to make sacrifices for his wife’s happiness. I am so glad to have a father who is able to see the importance of family above everything else.

Love, Emily

BTW, I have not left the LDS church.

Divorce

Over the past couple of years, I have come in contact with many members who have left the church. Their prior faith obliterated by history, doctrine & policies that they had only recently discovered. This includes good friends and family.

Sometimes, married couples depart from the church together. Sometimes, it’s only one spouse whose faith transitions. Unfortunately, I have heard and read many stories of couples divorcing when only one leaves the church. Often, the believing partner is encouraged by bishops and stake presidents, family and friends, to divorce the non-believing spouse. The family is broken. Children confused, scared and heartbroken.

All this over belief & church. Is marriage less important than belief? Is family less treasured than church?

Disobedience

For the first time in almost 2 years, I recently attended the temple. I explain here exactly why I decided to go back. This time, I went with new eyes. It was fascinating, uplifting, and spiritual. Lot’s of new understandings. I have already written about one monumental take-away here.

The temple movie presents a beautiful portrayal of the creation story. Adam & Eve are placed in the Garden of Eden. Satan tempts Adam do disobey God. Our first father will have nothing to do with disobedience.

Eve is Lucifer’s next target for temptation. She carefully considers the Adversary’s argument. Her rational decision is to disobey God. Result: Eve was to be cast out of the protected, perfect and paradisiacal Garden of Eden.

Now, it’s her turn to offer the forbidden fruit to Adam. He considers. Refuses. “I will not disobey Father,” he insists. Eve persists. Finally, Adam looks into heaven and weighs the options. His decision: it’s more important to disobey God than to have their precious union broken-up.

What a tremendous temple statement! What an amazing example of righteous disobedience! This, from the very first story in the bible. The foundational epic of Christianity and Mormondom highlights two “sinful” acts. Eve disobeyed God in order to bring about the human race. Adam disobeyed God in order to keep his marriage in good grace.

So, bishops & stake presidents, friends & family, reflect on the temple teachings before you encourage a believer to divorce the non-believer.

1 Corinthians 7:14 “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband.”

“The Dominant Church Narrative Is Not True”

This, according to Dr. Richard Bushman. I have many friends who have left the church because they, also, have found out what Bushman knows. More friends are on the fence. “The dominant church narrative is NOT TRUE.”

Fireside

Dr. Richard Bushman, is a serving LDS patriarch, former stake president, historian, expert on Joseph Smith, and author of Rough Stone Rolling. At a recent fireside, he was the featured speaker. During the Q&A, the following exchange took place:

Questioner: “In your view, do you see room in Mormonism for several narratives of a religious experience or do you think that in order for the Church to remain strong they would have to hold to that dominant [orthodox] narrative?”

Richard Bushman: “I think that for the Church to remain strong it has to reconstruct its narrative. The dominant narrative is not true; it can’t be sustained. The Church has to absorb all this new information or it will be on very shaky grounds and that’s what it is trying to do, and it will be a strain for a lot of people, older people especially. But I think it has to change.”

Not True

Thank you, Richard Bushman, for validating what so many of us already know! “The dominant narrative is not true!”

We have been taught, and are still teaching, things that are untrue. Untrue = false. Teaching a known falsehood = lying. Either way, unwittingly teaching falsehoods or lying, neither should an integral part of the “only true and living church.”

Somehow, our LDS culture has developed to where it’s improper, stigmatized, or outright forbidden to discuss “new information.” As a result, half truths and falsehoods are commonly taught. Openly discussing our history, doctrine and policies is not permitted, at least not in my locale.

It Can’t Be Sustained

So, why are we trying so hard to sustain & control our current curriculum and discussion?

I think many members are totally fine with the falsehoods in the church. For them, the false narrative feels safe. I’m OK with that.

However, there is a large and growing group of members who will not tolerate a narrative saturated with falsity. I have joined this group. Feeling betrayed, many have left. Feeling betrayed, I stay. Still committed to the church. Still committed to truth. No longer committed to false narratives. Life is too short. Salvation, too precious to embrace what I & Bushman know to be false.

All Truth Can Be Circumscribed Into One Great Whole

I now pay very close attention to the covenants and doctrines of the temple. At the end of the endowment ceremony, we are taught that “all truth can be circumscribed into one great whole.” Profound and thought provoking. The church is violating it’s own temple instruction. It has circumscribed falsehoods into the “great whole” and consigned much truth into hidden obscurity.

My temple covenants are more sacred to me than circumscribing a narrative that is “not true.”

Driving Members Away

I have been told that we should never discuss our true and complete history and doctrine at church. It can cause people to lose their testimonies.

What a weird thing to say! So, it’s better to hide the truth so that a person will continue to believe the “truth” that’s really not true? I know that there are adults in the church who want to be treated this way. Not this adult. In fact, most adults would say this is not adult behavior. “When I became a man, I put away childish things.”

I now see the other side. Not discussing our complete history and doctrine at church is causing members to lose their testimony. It has driven my friends right out of the LDS church. The church whose “dominant narrative is not true.”

Teaching and embracing falsehood is not good…at least, not in my neighborhood. My church is good, it’s time to get better.

Mr. Cubit’s Shocking Gay Interview

Anonimity

Mr. Cubit

I met Mr. Cubit about 2 years ago. It was around the time that my church questions started to coalesce. He has witnessed my entire journey and has been a great support. In fact, he has been very influential in the path I’ve chosen. For the time being, he’s asked me to maintain his anonymity. After reading this, I think you’ll understand his quest to remain obscure.

The Gay Interview

Sam: Could you describe your current status within the LDS church?

Mr. Cubit: I’m an active, believing, heterosexual member. My life has revolved around the church my entire life. It’s a wonderful organization. But, it is not perfect. Changes should and will be made.

Sam: You are aware that I strongly disapprove of the church’s exclusionary policy toward children of gay parents. But, you recently told me something that takes LGBT concerns to a new level. I was a bit shocked with what you had to say. Can you elaborate here?

Mr. Cubit: I’ll just blurt it out. GAY SEX IS NOT A SIN. Heterosexual sex is not a sin within marriage. Neither is gay sex.

Sam: How did you come to that conclusion?

Mr. Cubit: The apostles recently disavowed and condemned our past racist beliefs, doctrine and policies. This is a courageous game changer. We are finally admitting that prophets can and do get important matters wrong. This condemnation covers official practices that spanned over 125 years and during the tenure of most presidents of the latter-day church. The apostles explain that there is no known revelation that implemented the discrimination towards blacks of African decent. They speculate that church leaders simply fell victim to the prevailing culture of the time. In other words, it wasn’t God who implemented racism, it was the leadership.

Sam: What does that have to do with gay sex?

Mr Cubit: For a long, long time, we have had a homophobic society. Just as God is not racist, he is not homophobic. Rather, I believe that we, as a church, as well as our leadership, have simply fallen victim to the the culture of our time.

Sam: How can you possibly say that?

Book of Mormon

Mr. Cubit: First, I love our LDS scriptures. The Book of Mormon contains the fullness of the gospel. Yet, not one homophobic peep. It’s a book of scripture that was prepared for our day. An ancient document preserved to direct us in the last dispensation. Homosexuality is a major issue in the modern era. Yet, no mention whatsoever. This book is the Keystone of our religion. How can we make anti-gay sex a keystone of our doctrine if the Keystone containing the fullness doesn’t condemn it?

What’s more, we have the Doctrine and Covenants. This is actual modern day revelation from God. It supports our Keystone. Just like the Book of Mormon, nary a mention of this supposedly horrendous sin. God warns of wine, tobacco, and to use meat sparingly. But, where is the warning of the “far worse” sin of homosexuality. It’s completely absent.

There is a pattern here, comparable to race and the priesthood. There was no formal or canonized revelation to exclude blacks. There is no formal or canonized revelation to exclude homosexuals. It simply reflects societal views. God is not racist or homophobic. He created blacks, black. He created homosexuals, homosexual.

Sam: OK. What about the bible?

Mr. Cubit: The Book of Mormon and Doctrine of Covenants witness of Jesus Christ. They also witness of his teachings. Here’s what Jesus had to say about homosexuals and gay sex: NOTHING. No warning, no condemnation, no exclusion. For me, that’s one of those powerful confirmations that our LDS scriptures come from God.

Sam: Aren’t there biblical references that condemn gay sex?

Mr Cubit: This topic could be a whole interview, by itself. I’ll try to be short. The bible does not address sexual orientation or same-sex marriage. We believe in the bible “as far as it’s translated correctly.” Many believe these passages are incorrectly interpreted or poorly translated. Mormons are very selective on what we literally take from the bible. For example, Paul says that women should not speak in church. Long hair for men is unnatural. This revered apostle seemed to sanction slavery, instructing slaves to obey their masters with deep respect. And, the Old Testament…tons of weird and immoral laws and practices.

Sam: The church’s position is that “same sex attraction” is not a sin. Acting on it is. Gay people are instructed to refrain from romantic relations for their entire life.

Mr Cubit: I’m going to use some harsh words here. There is no way that I could look a gay man in the eyes and say, “The most fulfilling & joyous aspect of my life is a lifelong, romantic & intimate relationship with a person whom I deeply love. Now, listen up, my homosexual friend, you can never have this. If you do, you are doomed to hell.” I find this doctrine arrogant & insensitive, hypocritical and harmful. There are reports of suicides among our gay youth. How could there not be, when we offer such a hopeless and damning message.

Sam: Have you ever brought this up at church or with the leaders?

Mr. Cubit: No.

Sam: Why not?

Mr. Cubit: I value my membership. Sharing this opinion could result in excommunication.

Sam: That sounds highly unlikely.

Mr. Cubit: Not long ago, a couple posted their objection to the teachings about polygamy in D&C 132. Their stake president demanded that they take down the post. They refused. Church discipline was threatened. They are now disaffected.

Sam: That’s hard to believe. So, you have never talked with anybody about this before?

Mr. Cubit: I’ve talked to 4 members. But, I have to be super careful. Discuss with the wrong person…judgment, gossip and possible reports to my bishop. Here is what these 4 told me. 1) Active, former bishop, not you, Sam. He said it’s not a sin. Huge surprise. 2) Gay friend who left the church after November’s policy…not a sin. Not a surprise. 3) Semi-active, believing member…not a sin, but doesn’t like to think about it. A surprise. 4) Active, semi-believing member…of course it’s a sin. #4 reacted so strongly and judgmentally, that I’m really gun-shy to discuss…unless I know it’s totally safe.

Sam: #3 said he doesn’t like to think about it. How do you feel about that?

Mr. Cubit: Last year I asked my stake president about a particular sexual practice. I wanted to know if it was sinful within marriage. He spoke with wisdom. “I don’t ask any questions about what happens in the bedroom. That’s between the couple.” Wow! I feel the same way about a married gay couple. I don’t want to know about their bedroom. Nor, do I want to share with anyone what goes on in mine.

Sam: Do you think the church will ever change it’s doctrine about homosexuality?

Mr. Cubit: They will be forced to. Society is changing all around them. The pace of change is quickening. Eventually, corrections will be made to mirror the culture. Today, we don’t tolerate racism. Tomorrow, the rising generation will not tolerate homophobia. Thank heavens.

Sam: Anything else you would like to share?

Mr. Cubit: At a recent stake conference, a general authority seventy, said this to LGBT members: “We love you, we understand you, we respect you, we need you. You bring a richer sense of understanding and spirit. Please stay with us.”

That’s a step in the right direction. I’d add. “If you can’t stay with us, I can totally understand. God loves you just the way you are. He is going to reverse the current policies and doctrine, but it may take awhile. In the meantime, I love you whether you leave or stay, remain single or marry. I support and love you either way. And so does God!

Sam: Thanks for being honest and open. And…thanks for trusting me enough to share what could elicit strong judgmental thinking towards you.

Mocking God

I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT!!!

Temple Visit

For the first time in almost 2 years, yesterday, I went to the temple.

Over the past 14 months, I have searched for the meaning of the temple covenants. I was discouraged, disheartened and dismayed with what I found. Everyone says that they know their meaning. But, no one could answer basic questions, nor did they seem to care what the answers were. I spoke with local leaders, my quorum, many friends and my family.

Last Sunday, we held a joint priesthood/relief society meeting. The topic being temple attendance. We examined things that prevent us from going to the temple more often. Many chimed in with the typical excuses. I zipped my lip and kept quiet, as I seethed inside. We’ll take 45 minutes discussing priorities, planning, & babysitting, yet not spend 1 minute talking about what the covenants mean. Ever!

Last week, I had my epiphanific evening. That pivotal turning point is described in the the blog post, “Temple Covenant Epiphany.” Finally, at age 63, I feel like I have a grasp on the meaning of these sacred promises. Very exciting. So, I decided to go back to the temple and listen to them first hand, again. Lot’s of new insights. Let me describe one monumental moment.

Knock, Knock, Knocking on Mocking’s Door

Entering into covenants is the centerpiece of the endowment ceremony. Without them, it would just be a hollow ritual with a nice movie for the backdrop. At one point, we are warned of the gravity of violating these promises—God Will Not Be Mocked!

As I think back on my attitude towards temple covenants, I’m worried that I may have been mocking God all along. I’d made the covenants. But, those promises were kind of put in the back of my mind, with little consideration given to their actual meaning. My attitudes, actions, dedication, love for others, and obedience to commandments, were not really changed by my temple obligations. My daily life was mostly directed by the run-of-the-mill commandments. Seldom, probably never, did I say, “How should I act based on my temple covenants?”

In effect, these promises were yielding no effect in my life. If that wasn’t flat out mocking God, it’s got to be pretty darn close. Hopefully, I was only knocking on mocking’s door, not actually passing it’s portal.

Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven’s Door

Today, I have a new found respect for and understanding of the temple covenants. Mocking God? I do not want to do that. I want to knock on heaven’s door. So, I’m referring to my sacred promises everyday to guide my path.

Unholy practices? I cannot countenance them. They must be called out. Doing otherwise would be knocking on mocking’s door.

Obey all the laws of God? The Law of Common Consent IS a law of God to HIS church of the restoration. Today, for me to ignore it, would be walking over mocking’s threshold.

It’s a new day for this temple covenanted citizen of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In a few short years, I will literally be knocking on heaven’s door. No more mocking from this mere mortal.

***Disclaimer*** This represents my view of my covenants. They are between only me and God. I have no idea what the meaning of other’s covenants are. Their promises are between themselves and God.

You’re Not Broken—I’m Sorry

Children’s Apology

Last year, my wife and I traveled to the congenial country of Hungary. We toured The Great Synagogue of Budapest, the largest in Europe. Hungary is still struggling to come to terms with its treatment of their Jewish population during WWII. By war’s end, at least 70% had been murdered.

Our tour guide told us of a recent concert she had attended. It was a singing & dancing group of German high schoolers. At the beginning of the program, a couple of the children stepped forward. They apologized for crimes their country had perpetrated during that long-ago war.

The story touched me. Born years after this horror, these children had had no part in it. They were not official spokespersons for their country. Yet, they were willing to apologize to a people who had been wronged.

Here’s my attempt to follow their poignant example. An official spokesperson for the LDS Church, I’m not. But, I am the church. At least part of the church. At least a single part of the church. And this little part of the church, along with any who will join in my cry say, I am Sorry! We are sorry!

To My Gay Friends, Both Known and Un

For all the ways we’ve been wrong—I’m Sorry.

When I was young, church & culture tutored that gay was foul and perverted. I wish the prophet had spoken. You weren’t broken. We were wrong. I went along. I’m sorry.

You chose to be gay. So the leaders say. I wish the prophet had spoken. You’re not broken. We were wrong. I went along. I’m sorry.

To some, they tried to shock your gay away. At the Lord’s college, you were strapped in a chair, electrodes placed down there. Movies of naked men were turned on. If you were turned on, an electric shock in turn was turned on. You wanted the strongest current to be cured. But, gay doesn’t work in those ways. You were simply tortured in those days. An elder from my mission endured this, in submission. Today, he’s still gay. From the church, he’s parted ways. Oh, how I wish the prophet had spoken. You were not broken. I went along, although I didn’t know. Now, I’m so, so, sorry. Tears blur my eyes. I just want to cry….I’m sorry. I’m sorry

You were told to pray and pray and soon the gay would just go away. Of course it didn’t. You became depressed. Maybe next time pray and pray ALL of the day. Still gay and more depression came your way. With no cure, some couldn’t endure. By their own hand they sent themselves to the heavenly land. I wish the prophet had spoken. These precious people were not broken. We were dead wrong. I went along. I’m sorry.

“Get married,” your respected leaders said! You faithfully followed, while full of dread. Your gay didn’t magically go away. Now, with children and spouse, heartache and shame, you finally came out, and all suffered pain. I wish the prophet had spoken. Now a family’s broken. We were wrong. I went along. I’m sorry.

Finally, something sure, that would result in a cure. You agree to participate in reparative therapy. Humiliated, disgraced, and degraded again. You cry because no matter what you can’t win. Now, this procedure is discredited & thrown in the trash bin. Why couldn’t the prophet have spoken? You were not broken. We were wrong. I went along. I’m sorry.

With Prop 8, we tried to legislate away, the rights to marry if you were gay. I don’t know if the prophet had spoken. What I know is, you are not broken. This was wrong. I went along. I’m sorry.

Last November the edict came. Out of love was the claim. If the gay marry, throw them away. Really? It just sounds wrong. These are my friends. I don’t want to follow along. I’m sorry.

November’s policy also contains what I consider to be a stain. Children of parents who are gay, will have God’s choicest blessings taken away. No baptism at 8, no holy spirit to guide, no priesthood at any rate. With shame, the policy will make kids want to run & hide. Has a prophet really spoken? The rules are broken. We are wrong. This time I will not go along. I’m sorry.

I wish the prophet had spoken. You are not broken. We were wrong. Next time, I will not just go along. I love who you are, just as you are. Of that, I feel very strong.

I’m Sorry.

“Tear Down this Wall”

Quoted from a seminal speech delivered by Ronald Reagan in 1987. It was given in Berlin at the Brandenburg Gate. Of course, he was referring to the Berlin Wall that divided the German city in half. It was a global symbol of repression, division & oppression. Two short years later, the infamous wall was torn down. Within four years, the entire Soviet Union ceased to exist. In its place, freedom was about to sweep over the continent.

While I was growing up, the dissolution of the “evil empire” was thought to be impossible, or at least a generation away. Once people’s desire for Liberty was set in motion, the course of history raced forward. The speed of its advancement was a surprise to most everyone.

Now….“Tear Down THIS Wall”

There is a wall in my church that divides, separates and excludes. I, Sam Young, have made sacred covenants within the confines of a modern-day temple. I have promised to avoid every unholy practice. The definition of my promise is that anything contrary to the teachings of Jesus is unholy. There is an unholy wall that, as we speak, is tearing down families in our midst. It’s time to tear this unholy wall down. Part of my temple promise is not only to avoid, but to speak out against “every unholy practice.”

The current policy regarding temple marriages states that if a couple is married outside the temple they must wait one year before being sealed. As a result, almost all marriages are performed in the temple, at the same time as the sealing. The consequence is exclusionary, hurtful and entirely unnecessary. Any parent, sibling, child, friend who does not have a current recommend is excluded from the ceremony. Dreadful!

Weddings are pivotal events in life. They should be filled with joy and celebration for everyone. Instead, this wall of division creates hard feelings that often last a lifetime. When I was married, my parents, my wife’s parents, her siblings and most of my siblings were simply shut out. My mother has since left the church. Her first doubts formed as she paced outside of the Salt Lake temple, denied inclusion in her own first born son’s wedding. Does this sound cruel to only me?

“Why is This Wall Here?”

That’s the question Reagan asked the Soviets. That’s the question my covenants push me to pose. The marriage ceremony is not a saving ordinance. There is no requirement that it be held in the temple. “Legal and lawfully wedded” applies to those performed in public as well as in the temple. So, why is this wall here? It’s time for its demolition.

What’s more it has already been dismantled in many countries around the world. From Serbia to Spain, the UK to New Zealand, Mexico and Germany, France and Brazil, from South Korea to Switzerland, and on and on and on. In all these countries, the wall of temple marriage has already been torn down. Not by our church, but by the citizens of each nation, themselves. Their laws require weddings be performed in public. The sealing then follows in private.

It’s time to tear down this wall in EVERY country where it disconnects families that are just forming. Let’s not wait for the citizens of each country to demolish this partition for us. That could take decades or never. My covenant calls me to call the church to take action.

Make a policy pronouncement. Watch the people rejoice. Parents and children. Members and non-members. Believers and non-believers. Brothers and sisters. Bride and groom. Tearing down this wall, is a no-lose proposition.

The Best Solution

There is a better way than just a pronouncement. The procedure prescribed in our own LDS cannon. Call upon the Law of Common Consent. Allow the fellowcitizens, the Latter-day Saints, to vote this wall of familial division, either up or down. We never voted for the wall in first place. Let us vote now.

Either by pronouncement or poll, “TEAR DOWN THIS WALL.”

Joseph Smith IS My Hero

Born & raised in the Mormon Church, I was taught that Joseph Smith has done more for the salvation of mankind, except for Jesus Christ. Joseph was highly respected and revered. Sixty-two years of my life transpired before I heard the proverbial “rest of the story.”

Over the past 2 years, I have studied, pondered, discussed & prayed……a ton. Joseph Smith had big problems. The narrative taught in the church has huge holes. At this point, I DO NOT dismiss the historical and doctrinal issues. However, the topic of this blog posting is not the challenges. Rather, the subject is just one quote from Joseph. One that I love. I wish it were taught in the LDS Church, the very church that he founded.

My Favorite Scripture

We are taught that words from the prophets that are spoken under the direction of the Holy Spirit are scripture. To me, the following paragraph is so gorgeous that I’m taking it as inspired by the Spirit. That makes it scripture.

“We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark that they would do anything they were told to do by those who preside over them — even if they knew it was wrong. But such obedience as this is worse than folly to us. It is slavery in the extreme. The man who would thus willingly degrade himself should not claim a rank among intelligent beings until he turns from his folly. A man of God would despise this idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the Saints were told to do by their presidents, they should do it without any questions. When Elders of Israel will so far indulge in these extreme notions of obedience as to teach them to the people, it is generally because they have it in their hearts to do wrong themselves.” — Joseph Smith, Jr. in the Millennial Star, volume 14, number 38, pages 593-595.*

Why Do I Like This So Much?

Let me count the ways.

LDS culture–follow the prophets, even when they are wrong. JS–that is “slavery in the extreme.”
If we follow leaders even when they are wrong–JS: We “should not claim a rank among intelligent beings.”
When LDS leaders say follow “no matter what” and “without any questions” they (the leaders) generally “have it in their hearts to do wrong themselves.”

Wow! Just Wow! Joseph Smith, you are my hero!!! Can we print those words in the sacrament meeting program? Every week? Can we discuss this prophetic pronouncement out in the open in priesthood meeting?

It appears that Joseph was warning of and condemning the very culture that seems to be prevalent, today. No wishy-washy words. Spoken with perfect clarity. I embrace them. So special are these words that I’ve decided to go even further. To obey when I know it’s wrong or to obey without question….I now classify as an unholy practice…for me. I won’t “willingly degrade” myself. My desire is to claim a “rank among intelligent beings.”

Of course, this is only my interpretation. I recognize that many of my friends and family believe in following without question, even if it’s wrong. That’s OK. It’s a path that I followed for 62 years. It’s a fine approach and consistent with our culture. I hope my friends and family will be equally non-judgmental of my approach.

THANK YOU

Even with all your problems, thank you, Joseph. You are my hero.

* There are questions about the authorship of the quote. Some have attributed it to Joseph Smith. Some, say it was likely composed by someone else. All questions aside, there are 2 things that I “know.” 1) It was printed in a church publication, sanctioned by church authorities. 2) This quote has huge appeal to me. So, I’ve embraced an official view straight from an official church journal. I’m glad to err on the side of Joseph Smith and refer to him as my hero.

This is somewhat of a pattern for me. For example, there are some who say Jesus didn’t really exist. That the gospels were written decades after Christ’s death. That they don’t contain first hand accounts. Contradictions and other problems are easy to identify. To me, if He is real or not doesn’t much matter. I love the teachings and example that are attributed to Jesus. So, I’ve embraced His gospel. I’m glad to err on the side of Christ and refer to him as my Savior.

My Choice Choice

June – November 2014

At the tender age of 62, in June of 2014, something jolted my religious attention. For the next six months, I was consumed with studying LDS church history and doctrine. Literally, 3 to 5 hours were spent everyday reading, researching and ruminating. By November, I had reached a shocking conclusion about beliefs held my entire life. Up to that point, my spiritual knowledge had been rock solid. It could be described as certainty. Frequently, I had repeated the phrase “I KNOW that ________ is true.” In fact, I “knew” that everything was TRUE about the Mormon church.

In a poignant and sobering moment, that fateful November day, I realized that I “knew” nothing. Nothing was certain. Confusion. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Loneliness. All these emotions swept though my mind. Other than continuing to search and study, I didn’t know what to do. Anger continued to build. It frightened my wife and family. For a time, it harmed our relationship. Of course, that was my fault. I recognize that and have worked to correct and control the anger.

After a few attempts to discuss issues with church members, it became clear that this was not a good idea. A loneliness started to creep in. It appeared that I was the only person in my circle of family and friends who was traveling this path.

January 2015

In January ’15, three meaningful things occurred.

Friends leaving the church. I discovered a close friend in the ward and a sibling in far away Utah who had both quietly left the church. They had discovered and studied the same issues. Their conclusion was to part with Mormonism, never discussing their concerns privately with their bishop or in public with members.
The Bishop encounter. I met with the bishop. For all intents and purposes, it did not go well. I put on a happy face during our discussion. But, inside I was disappointed, depressed and angry. In defense of my bishop, he’s a friend and a great guy. It was the first time that anyone had presented him with serious doubts. He told me, “Sam, you are the only person who is questioning.” Of course, by then, I knew that was inaccurate.
Paul, the apostle. I rediscovered a wonderful scripture. It would tide me over for the next several months. 1 Corinthians 13. This is the classic chapter describing the characteristics of charity. But, it also contained a description of exactly what I was going through.

Paul said, “Whether there be knowledge, it shall pass away.” Oh my goodness! That’s just what had happened to me. My knowledge, my certainty had just passed away.

Paul goes on, “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” Oh my goodness! He was describing my journey from childish “knowledge” to speaking, understanding and THINKING, like a man.

Paul continues, “For now we see through a glass, darkly.” Oh my goodness! I’m following in Paul’s footsteps. For 62 years, my religion was crystal clear. Now, clear as mud.

Paul concludes, “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.” This was something I could wrap my head around. For me, certainty no longer was part of my belief system. Why should I put my trust in ‘knowing’ when Paul teaches it will vanish. I was determined to put my faith in faith. My hope in hope. And strive for charity. But it would take another year before settling on a comfortable path comprising these three abiding gospel principles.

Summer 2015

I continued to study for hours everyday. The obsession to find answers was as unrelenting as fly paper. By the summer of 2015, I’d decided to delve into the pinnacle of Mormonism: The temple. Not only are the sealing ordinances at the apex of our doctrine, they are also unique in all of Christianity. The temple experience consists of two beautiful teachings. First, that we can be ‘sealed’ to our loved ones, with the promise that we will be with them in heaven forever. Second, that all mankind will have the opportunity to go to heaven regardless of whether or not they had ever been taught of Jesus Christ while on earth.

These blessings are not guaranteed. Their realization is contingent on keeping the covenants that are made in the temple. Hence, the temple covenants become the centerpiece of what the temple is all about. From the pulpit, encouragement to keep these preeminent promises is constantly preached. Now at age 63, I realized that I didn’t fully understand them. I had lots and lots of questions. And, as I pondered, more and more covenant questions kept coming.

Over the next 3 months, I started researching. I asked, discussed, probed. No one, and I mean no one, had answers. Almost without exception, as I continued to ask questions, this response would eventually rear it’s ironic head, “Sam, why do you even care?” What??? Why do I care about what the temple covenants mean??? Really??? Initially, everybody said they understood their meaning. With the shallowest interrogation, NOBODY had answers.

This experience was highly disappointing. Especially, the attitude that temple covenants are not to be discussed outside of the temple. If you have questions, you should set an appointment with the temple president. He’ll give you the answers inside his temple office.

My observation & conclusion: Before we make the covenants, we can’t discuss them. We don’t understand them when we actually make them. After the promises are made, we can’t discuss them. And, finally, NOBODY knows what they really mean. If keeping our temple covenants is so vital to eternal salvation, you’d think we could & would devote tons of time to understand exactly what the heck they mean.

Fall 2015

Frustrated with my temple covenant quest, I decided to take a look at Christianity in general. I bought books, studied online, listened to debates, and watched videos. I LOVED much of what I heard. Also, I was turned off by much.

Soon, it became apparent that Christian history & doctrine, along with New & Old Testament history & doctrine, contained holes, inconsistencies and unsavory elements similar to our Mormon history & doctrine. No longer did I look down on atheists. They had good reason to believe what they believe.

Decision Time

Through January 2016, I was still consumed with reading, listening, and now writing. But, my gut (my turning stomach) was telling me that enough effort had now been spent on gathering my thoughts. It was time to trim the sail, adjust the rudder and start sailing a purposefully chosen course.

Leave the church. Do nothing. Stay in. Stay silent. Embrace Christianity. Embrace atheism. In hindsight, I think that I already knew what I was going to choose. But, it took another month for a clear path to emerge from the fog.

The Choice Choice Arrives

I was raised Mormon, just a few miles north of Salt Lake City. The church, prophets, priesthood, temple, Book of Mormon and plan of salvation had always been taken for granted as true. I ‘knew’ they were true. Now, I ‘knew’ nothing. Never, ever had I considered that faith could be a choice.

It was February 2016, at the tender age of 63, when the choice opportunity had presented itself. The choice chance to choose for myself. I was free to think as an adult. Finally, as a rational man, I had put away childish things.

My decision: Follow Jesus Christ, both his teachings and example. How could I not select this path? To me, it has divine appeal.

The Good Samaritan.
The Golden Rule.
Leave the 99 for the 1.
When you have done it unto the least of these.
The Prodigal Son.
Reaching out to the marginalized, the hopeless, the helpless.
Standing up to the proud & powerful, including the church leaders of his time.
Standing up for the poor, the sick, the weak, including those rejected by the church leaders of his time.
Finally, He had paid the infinite price necessary to bring EVERYBODY home.

My choice choice is to follow the lowly son of a carpenter. The humble & homeless teacher, who had nowhere to lay his head. He came from and lived at the margins of society. His focus was ministering to the marginalized.

I have chosen to follow Jesus in the Church of Jesus Christ. The church that has been my home for 63 years. The institution to which I have dedicated much blood, sweat, tears, time & treasure. The church is not perfect. Far from it. But, I and my family have derived significant benefit from our membership. I love the church. I love Jesus more.

Change???

This may not sound like a faith transition. For me, it is a cataclysmic change. I have chosen to follow Jesus. Although, I am a member of the church, I recognize that the institution is not my salvation. I listen to the prophets. They are good men. Men selected by my Savior. But, they are men. My Lord has instructed me to not put my trust in the arm of flesh. In my past life, I had fallen victim to worshiping the prophets. I hung on their every word, willing to believe and obey all directions flowing from their lips. Today, I put my trust in Christ, willing to follow the church leaders when they align with the directions flowing from Him.

It turns out, this path is more difficult than expected. I’ve encountered unexpected push-back. That’s OK, because this path is working for me.

Does Jesus really exist? I don’t know. ‘Certainty’ is no longer important to me. I don’t view it as a principle of His gospel. Rather, His touching teachings and eloquent example beckon me to follow.

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Tag: Latter-day Saints