Preach My Gospel–Masturbation

IMG_0190In 2016, there were 240,131 convert baptisms in the Mormon Church.  At year end, an army of 70,946 full-time missionaries fanned the globe.  Pretty impressive statics for my church.  The Lord’s work continues to roll forth.

Of particular note, a new discussion has been added to the lessons which are taught investigators before baptism.  Below are the bullet points guiding our 18 year old missionaries.  They are more than qaulified to teach them, having been schooled for 6 years in very private meetings with their bishops.  As children, they often were the targets of personal questioning by older male church leaders.  Now, their mission presidents will reinforce these intimate probings at every private chance he gets.

So, our missionary kids are totally ready to present these important points of the Mormon religion.

  • Inform the investigator that mastubation is a sin next to adultery in gravity.
  • If they masturbate, they can continue to do so until, and even after baptism.
  • Mastubation will not be covered in their baptismal interview.
  • After baptism, their 12 year old children will be asked about masturbation.  This will occur behind closed doors, alone, with an older man.  The parents will not be notified when the interviews take place.  As a courtesy, you are letting them know before they get baptized that this will happen to their children.   These interviews may only occur once or twice a year.  However, if their child admits to masturbation, then these interviews could take place as frequently as 52 times a year.
  • For adult men, questions about masturbation won’t be posed until it’s time to receive the priesthood.
  • For adult women, questions about masturbation won’t be posed until it’s time to go to the temple.

I am super excited that the church has decided to be so forthright.  No longer will our converts be in the dark.  They will know full well what is in store for their children behind closed doors.  And just think…it will be our young missionaries who deliver this supernal message!

Here’s to hoping for way more than 240,131 converts for 2017!!!

P.S.  I suck at satire.  So, I better just say….this IS parody.

12 thoughts on “Preach My Gospel–Masturbation

  1. Sam, I think your satire needs a little work. I also feel that you have beaten this issue to an end. After the first posting, it was enough. Once you advised it was your opinion that parents need to be in on the interviews, that should have been the end. This obsession you have on this subject is borderline OCD. Time to move on to another topic. It’s time for parents to accept this responsibility on this subject of interviews and who should be present. Just a thought, you say that you accept the teaching of Jesus Christ. Think about this topic of masturbation and ask yourself WWJD. When I though about this, I was repulsed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Janice,
      I agree that it’s time for parents to take responsibility for what is happening to their kids at church. Most are not aware that this is happening. That’s just one reason that I’m writing about this.

      OCD? Well, I’m not sure what to call it. I only learned last week that super innappropriate questions were presented to my innocent 12 year old daughter. She was introduced to masturbation, which led on to pornography, through a masturbation interview with the bishop at such a tender age. It was done behind closed doors. My innocent child all alone. Me and my wife were never asked for permission or informed of the probing questions to be asked. I’m angry as hell about that. Maybe it has no effect on you, Janice, but I am still raw at the thought of the gross liberties that were taken with my child.

      Rather than fussing at me for exposing what our church is doing, I suggest that you let your kids know of the dangers their children face. Don’t let it happen to your grandkids. Also, rather than fussing at me, how about joining me on calling for this terrible practice to cease.

      As always, I love your comments!


      1. I have talked to my married children. They were in fact asked probing questions. We discussed that this would never happen to my grandchildren. Matter closed. If you are still upset about what happened to your daughter, you need to find that Bishop wherever he is and let him know how you feel. Tell him he owes your daughter an apology. You need to follow Christ and forgive him his ignorance. I am with you on this subject and would tell anyone so. But enough is enough. If parents don’t know then they need to be developing a better relationship with their children.


    2. Janice,

      I think Jesus would want children to feel loved, safe, worthy, and whole. Many children feel NONE of those things when being interviewed by their bishop and asked probing questions about their masturbation habits.

      Also, the reason Sam is beating this issue so hard is because parents DO NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS. The parents can’t even decide about this topic as you said because they do not know it’s happening. These blogs and others will hopefully raise awareness until the vast majority of parents know what’s happening and can then decide what they’d like to do

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How do parents NOT know about this? Didn’t they go through the same thing? It’s the reason why I was done with the cult at 14.. I became self-aware and decided it wasn’t their business.. I lied and said that I didn’t.. then when I was able to leave, I left.. from what I see.. nothing has changed for the better.. and I am 45.. so this has been going on for-frakkin’-EVER

        Liked by 1 person

      2. As a (former) LDS parent, I must admit that I DID know about it, because it happened to me as well. However, I had been thoroughly indoctrinated to believe that these interviews were appropriate and necessary, because, you know, God said so.

        Thank you, Sam, for shining light on this issue and forcing me to see it for what it is, inappropriate at best and abusive at worst. I finally gathered enough courage to walk away from the LDS church for many of my own reasons, but as a mother of four sons, this one was a biggie.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Lisa, why do tears come to my eyes as I read your comment? Thank you for being a concerned parent of 4 sons.


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