Tag: Honesty

True Colors

TrueColors

Many years ago, I was at Disney World with the kids.  The lines were long.  The heat was strong.  Fortunately, Disney has designed ways to make the waits tolerable.

We were in line for a production at one of the theaters.  I don’t remember which one.  But, I vividly remember what was showing on the TV screens in the waiting area. Cyndi Lauper’s ‘True Colors.’  The video was bright and colorful and creative.  Images of people around the world.  All shapes and colors.  It stirred my imagination.  The lyrics, the music and the pictures touched my soul.

I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show

A couple of days ago, I flew into Vegas and picked up a rental a car.  As I drove to the hotel, ‘True Colors’ came on the radio.  I was touched again.  Five months ago, I stepped away from the Mormon church.  A couple of weeks ago, I decided to step back in.  My return to church would be next Sunday, August 27, 2017.

Today, I go back home to Houston.  As I drove to the airport, ‘True Colors’ came on again. Wow!  Is a higher power sending me a message?  It pierced my heart again.  This time in a different way.  In the wee hours of this morning, I had decided not to step back in…for now.

The original words no longer resonate.  In my Mormon world, these are the lyrics I hear:

I see your true colors
And that’s why I hate you
So do be afraid to let them show

In the past few days, there have been several communications, both with family and with others.  My True Colors are not bringing out love.  Fear…yes.  Resentment…yes.  Shunning…yes.  Condemnation…yes.  Loss of friends…yes.  Loss of business…yes.

Do my True Colors inflict pain on others?  They sure do.

I see our church causing pain and damage.  I see people in pain and loneliness.  My True Colors have been to care and to reach out.  It turns out that my colors are scary, ugly and repulsive in the very community to which I have invested my all…and all my life.  How ironic that honesty and openness are not valued.

Complete Lyrics

You’ll see why they resonated…..until last night.

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there
And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there
And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

P.S.

I have dropped out of Facebook.  I don’t plan to share this particular blog post there. Openness is punished and I’m not feeling like more castigation right now.

Who knows, I may recover in an hour, or a week, or a year and be willing to show my True Colors again.  In the meantime, thank you for following my journey.  Godspeed in yours.

Honesty is an Admirable Quality–Not!

 

IMG_0182Delightful Mother’s Day.  Church.  A leisurely drive to Surfside beach–a popular place on a holiday Sunday.  Then to historic Galveston for an hour long stroll, followed by lunch.  The weather was amazing.  Temperature perfect.  The steady breeze refreshing.

When we arrived home, my daughter was watching “Anne of Green Gables.”  My wife settled in for a nap.  I plopped down with a bowl of ice cream next to my daughter.  Within 30 minutes, I’m blubbering like a baby.  The drama was heart wrenching and heart warming at the same time.

Then this.  Marilla asks young Anne for forgiveness.  She had mistakenly accused the vulnerable orphan of theft.  “Please forgive me.  Now I know you are honest.  And honesty is an admirable quality.”  I was already having great difficulty controlling my emotions.  The statement “honesty is an admirable quality” brought a new wave of sobs.

You see, over the past couple of years I have found out that honesty is NOT always admirable.  Not when it comes to the Mormon religion.  My religion.  Silence and just going along are viewed as admirable.  Honest examination and discussion of truth is not admirable.  In fact, it is forbidden and not condoned in the church.  Honest dialogue is dangerous to family relationships and friendships.  Don’t ask, don’t tell are the best bywords.  Honesty is not admirable.

Some people have told me that you can discuss any of our church’s history and doctrine without any problems.  Those “some people” obviously don’t live in my ward or stake.  They are not members of my family, nor in my circle of friends.  In fact, I hear from people all over the world who have stumbled upon the same discovery as me.  Honesty is not admirable if you question, doubt or reach new conclusions.  Being honest and open is perilous.  Families have been and continue to be ripped apart.

Dear Marilla Cuthbert, your wisdom is so needed in my church.