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Interview with an Apostle

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First, A Parley with an Apostate

Last week, I was in Utah and had an extended chat with an apostate. Terrible word. He’s also been excommunicated. Another terrible word. In a couple of weeks I’ll provide a link to our conversation. For the time being, he’ll remain anonymous.

Until the past 2 years, I really didn’t know any apostates or excommunicants.  I find them to be wonderful people.  Intelligent & thoughtful, open & understanding. Plus, they’re kind and loving.  Who would a thunk it?

While in Utah, by happenstance, I ran into an apostle.  He’ll also remain anonymous. A reliable record of our conversation is recounted below

The Apostolic Interview

Apostle:  It’s very nice to meet you.

Sam:  I’m honored and a little nervous to meet you, sir.

Apostle:  Before we start, I’d like to ask you a question. Sam, how do you think I look?

Sam:  You look great….except….for….. . . . Well, there’s a booger hanging from your nose.

Apostle:  (Pointing to his nose) Do you mean this big, fat, green booger?

Sam:  Um…y..y..y..yes?

Apostle:  Don’t worry about it. It was sent from God.

Sam:  What does that mean?

Apostle:  It’s a booger filled with love.

Sam:  This isn’t making any sense.

Apostle:  This beautiful juicy booger is filled with love for gay people and all of their children.

Sam:  Well, it kind of upsets my stomach when I look at it.

Apostle:  I’m sorry about that. Everybody else has told me that my booger of love is really handsome.

Sam:  You’re joking, right?  Who, in the world, would tell you that they like your booger?

Apostle:  I visited your stake conference last April.  One thousand and one members were at the meeting.  I asked the congregation to tell me how I looked.  One thousand people raised their hands in approval of my appearance.  Only one person didn’t like my booger.

Sam:  That was me!

Apostle:  Here’s what I want you to do, my dear friend, Sam.  Go read the scriptures and then pray….about my big, fat, green booger. Before long, you will know that it is delicious to the taste and very desirable.

Sam:  I’m not going to pray about your booger. I already know that it’s disgusting.

Apostle:  Now, now, Sam.  When you get home I want you to go talk with your stake president.

Sam:  Ok.

**Note: This morning I asked my adult daughter, “Suppose you were meeting with one of your clients, someone in upper management.  If they had a booger would you tell them?” She replied, “Nope.  I’d only tell someone really close, like my sisters or a best friend.”

Moral of the story:  when our friends have a booger, we point it out.  If we don’t, what kind of friend are we?   The booger is the policy of excommunicating gay couples and excluding their children.  It was announced in November 2015.

11 thoughts on “Interview with an Apostle”

  1. The analogy was lost on me because I just overate and I am stuffed – the booger analogy almost made me puke. Or am I proposing an extension to your analogy? Hmmm 😉

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      1. That’s OK. Just as long as you don’t think of them during your Thanksgiving meal.
        Damnit, I hate that this policy exists. Often, it makes me just want to quite.

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  3. I loved it Sam. What a great analogy. It’s funny, but also shows that sometimes we are asked to do just as you say. Pray about something we already know to be wrong or untrue until our opinion changes to fit what others “feel” is right. I don’t feel any God of ANY religion would want that of His children. My dad taught me this wonderful saying of “Only your friends will tell you when your face is dirty”. Thanks Sam for continuing to point out when someone’s face is dirty.

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  4. at first I thought you lost me Sam. But after reading it again and the comments, I do understand what you are trying to say…I think. I understand that a good friend would tell another good friend if something was wrong ( be it a gross green booger or whatever ), however are you saying that we shouldn’t say something to someone we don’t know that well? That’s where you lost me, because I thought we were being challenged to question the things that we are grossed out about. I hope this makes sense.

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  5. Hi Janice,
    As you probably know, I voted OPPOSED at General, Ward, & Stake conferences in April and May of this year. It was my way to object to the gay exclusion policy announced last November. I’ve been judged, shunned and told to shut up. No one I know has ever witnessed a person voting OPPOSED. So, I don’t think members know what to make of it or how to react. It’s a big problem that the membership of the church isn’t familiar with the Law of Common Consent. We never study it. We have the misunderstanding that it is only meant for the sustaining of officers. IT’S NOT. Christ clearly teaches that it should be much more important in the governance of the church. I did not vote OPPOSED because I don’t sustain the apostles as apostles. I voted because I love and revere them. I consider them friends. So, I voted to let them know they have a big, fat, green booger hanging from their nose; the gay policy. By not telling them of their booger, I’d be showing my disregard for them. People are speaking evil of the apostles because of a booger policy. I don’t like evil speaking of the leadership. They need to get rid of the booger. My mother resigned from the church 2 weeks ago. My brother and sister have both left the church. Both have gay children. Many friends of mine & yours have left the church. All this over an ugly booger. I have spoken with local leaders: quorum, ward & stake. I’ve reached out to my friends who now have high church positions. NOBODY gives a damn that my friends and family are gone. But, I give a damn about my loved ones. So, I’m calling out the damn, ugly, harmful, hurtful, totally unnecessary big, fat green booger hanging from the apostle’s nose. It appears that for the vast majority of members this snot is “delicious to the taste and very desirable.” Snot is snot. I will not partake. Unlike Adam, I will not relent. I have friends whose stomachs turn just thinking about going to church, after having months for this policy to sink in. How likely is it that they will ever come back to church? The apotle’s sickening booger, readily embraced by the vast majority of members, is repelling many real followers of Jesus’ gentle teachings of love and His invitation for ALL to come unto Him. Especially the children.

    I hope this clears up what I’m trying to express. As you know, I’m often terrible at communication.

    All My Best, Sam

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  6. Thanks Sam, I got it and I agree with you 100%. Although I can see what might have been the driving force behind the “children of gays” policy, I don’t agree with it. I believe the children are special in the eyes of God and probably need the blessings more than others. Especially the babies. I am sorry to hear about your brother and sister. That is tragic. I would have thought after Elder Ballard’s talk to the CES directors that people elsewhere in the Church would understand the need to question and the need for their leaders to answer them. But I guess it is going to take more. President’s Monson’s latest statement on not judging and just loving people should also enlighten some members.

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